The journey of seeing my Dad living through the last episode of his life was never planned. A day after we celebrated his 57th birthday, he left this world with a passport to Heaven which he was given few days before his departure.
My Dad’s cancer was diagnosed in March of last year. It was shocking at first because he was seemingly active and healthy only two months before that. He went through a long and excruciating open brain surgery to remove his brain tumor in April. His condition seemed to stabilize after the surgery. All he needed was a few special kinds of chemo and radio therapies which were considered very mild therapies by the oncologist. To show my support during such critical time, I decided to make a trip to visit him in May along with Matthias. Having the recollection of the month long visit a few months back still flesh in mind, I thought this would be another chance to create sweet memories with my parents along with their grandson. Little did I realize that my Dad was very much changed by his cancer. My Mom did not fare too well either. She was so overwhelmed by my Dad’s illness that she was often in dismal and in constant fear of losing my Dad.
Spending a month with a family you had not lived with for the past 15 years under such difficult circumstances did not go too well for any of us. The interactions among all of us were nothing but emotionally charged. Situations often arose where my parents accused me of being selfish. My parents especially resented that my son was taking up so much of my time that I was not able to spend more time with my Dad alone. Needless to say, I was miserable during the month that we were there. With all of my good intentions I made this trip but I found myself angry with my parents and frustrated with the cancer that somehow altered my Dad’s good nature. With all that came a sense of failure, a perception of constantly disappointing my parents and not meeting their expectation. In such desperate time with my husband being thousands of miles away and no church home around, I could only resort to prayers.
One day after a fight I had with my parents, I was praying while sobbing. In the midst of my prayer, a verse appeared in my mind. Matthews 11:29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls..” Humility and gentleness, though they were the furthest thing in my mind, they were exactly what I needed amidst my family turmoil. For the rest of the stay, the verse kept floating in my head and halted any potential bickering with my parents. It kept me from causing further detriments in the already-fragile relationship with my parents. Besides sending me this verse, God also sent a sister in Christ who happened to live in the same building as my parents to reprioritize what I should be asking from the Lord for my family. The lady posted the question of what is more important, my Dad’s salvation or his physical healing. Like being struck by lightening bolt, I realized what I have been asking from the Lord may not be best for my family.
After a month, I left Hong Kong with a disparaged heart, bemoaning the kind of testimony I left in my parents’ heart during a time when they would need the Gospel the most. After returning and over the next half a year, I found myself pondering for what exactly I should be praying. Slowly but assuredly I was led to the conclusion that it was not just my Dad’s salvation but the glory of God be revealed above all else from this whole ordeal.
To be continued.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Monday, September 10, 2007
Waiting Room
Waiting for my turn to get a Medicaid card for my son, I sat along with perhaps a hundred people in a stuffy waiting room. There was AC in the room but I felt like the heavy breathing of people waiting exhausted the AC. There were all kinds of people there, Black, White, Hispanic, Asians, little children, elderly folks, you name it.
I waited for more than an hour before I was called to the window to get the needed documents. I was among the fortunate few who could leave within two hours. Most of the people there had been waiting for half a day already. During the 100 plus minutes of waiting, I came to observe how people treat “the masses” especially the masses of lesser advantage.
The waiting room at the Medicaid office was big enough for about two hundred people, but it had no speaker system. Staff would call out clients’ number indicated by a small monitor inside the staff station of the office where only people right in front of the station could see. If a client sat at the very far corners of the room, there was no way that they could hear the staff calling their numbers or see it on the monitor. I noticed that a few people almost missed their turn because they had no knowledge of their number being called. At one point, one of the clients was so frustrated that she would stand close to the staff station and repeat loudly the numbers called by the staff. It was certainly quite an awkward scene for the staff. The staff members there were all well-dressed, compared to their clients in their waiting room. Nonetheless, their expressions were mostly solemn, with the exception of one or two carrying a smile when greeting clients. Seeing those faces, I wondered what the staff saw in their clients. Do they see them as people with flesh and bone, just like them, but needing some help medically and financially, or do they see the clients as merely objects that come to the office for whom they process papers? I found out the answer for myself when it was my turn at the staff station, at least from the one staff member with whom I made exchanges.
With no smile on her face, she simply told me that my application number was not in the system. After verifying with another number I gave her, she told me to sit down and wait some more. Having waited for another what seems like a life time, I was called by the same lady again, and this time she gave me my needed documents. It seemed to me that she really had to rush to the next client since she was hardly delighted to answer the one question I asked.
Don’t mistake me here for ranting out against the Medicaid office or building up a case of distaste for the bureaucracy of the American government. My experience at the Medicaid office, if not pleasant, was in fact very humbling. On one hand, I accepted the help I very much needed and I was glad and thankful to get it. On the other hand, it makes me appreciate more the mercy and grace God has bestowed upon me. Unlike the staff in the Medicaid office (in my particular experience), God doesn’t see those who are needy as the “masses.” Psalm 139 tells us that God knows everyone of us by our name when we were in our mother’s womb. He sees us as individual, each and everyone as his precious child.
Like the people waiting at the Medicaid office, we in one way or the other, are in need. Imagine yourself at the Medicaid office, unlike what I described in the above, the staff actually recognizes you right away and greets you with love and warmth, and offers all they could do to help you. You would not have to wait in line, and you get their full attention right away! That is how merciful God is towards us when we come to Him with a request. In fact, Jesus had been in our shoes before as He himself has experienced firsthand some of the difficulties we face in this earthly life.
Hebrews 4:15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin.
God knows our needs and our weaknesses. It is up to us to lay them on the altar and let Him take care of you. Unlike the Medicaid’s office waiting room, the waiting room of God is spacious and welcoming, and you get His attention right away. Let us break any barrier between us and God and come to His altar. He will always be there listening with open arms.
Hebrews 4:16 Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
I waited for more than an hour before I was called to the window to get the needed documents. I was among the fortunate few who could leave within two hours. Most of the people there had been waiting for half a day already. During the 100 plus minutes of waiting, I came to observe how people treat “the masses” especially the masses of lesser advantage.
The waiting room at the Medicaid office was big enough for about two hundred people, but it had no speaker system. Staff would call out clients’ number indicated by a small monitor inside the staff station of the office where only people right in front of the station could see. If a client sat at the very far corners of the room, there was no way that they could hear the staff calling their numbers or see it on the monitor. I noticed that a few people almost missed their turn because they had no knowledge of their number being called. At one point, one of the clients was so frustrated that she would stand close to the staff station and repeat loudly the numbers called by the staff. It was certainly quite an awkward scene for the staff. The staff members there were all well-dressed, compared to their clients in their waiting room. Nonetheless, their expressions were mostly solemn, with the exception of one or two carrying a smile when greeting clients. Seeing those faces, I wondered what the staff saw in their clients. Do they see them as people with flesh and bone, just like them, but needing some help medically and financially, or do they see the clients as merely objects that come to the office for whom they process papers? I found out the answer for myself when it was my turn at the staff station, at least from the one staff member with whom I made exchanges.
With no smile on her face, she simply told me that my application number was not in the system. After verifying with another number I gave her, she told me to sit down and wait some more. Having waited for another what seems like a life time, I was called by the same lady again, and this time she gave me my needed documents. It seemed to me that she really had to rush to the next client since she was hardly delighted to answer the one question I asked.
Don’t mistake me here for ranting out against the Medicaid office or building up a case of distaste for the bureaucracy of the American government. My experience at the Medicaid office, if not pleasant, was in fact very humbling. On one hand, I accepted the help I very much needed and I was glad and thankful to get it. On the other hand, it makes me appreciate more the mercy and grace God has bestowed upon me. Unlike the staff in the Medicaid office (in my particular experience), God doesn’t see those who are needy as the “masses.” Psalm 139 tells us that God knows everyone of us by our name when we were in our mother’s womb. He sees us as individual, each and everyone as his precious child.
Like the people waiting at the Medicaid office, we in one way or the other, are in need. Imagine yourself at the Medicaid office, unlike what I described in the above, the staff actually recognizes you right away and greets you with love and warmth, and offers all they could do to help you. You would not have to wait in line, and you get their full attention right away! That is how merciful God is towards us when we come to Him with a request. In fact, Jesus had been in our shoes before as He himself has experienced firsthand some of the difficulties we face in this earthly life.
Hebrews 4:15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin.
God knows our needs and our weaknesses. It is up to us to lay them on the altar and let Him take care of you. Unlike the Medicaid’s office waiting room, the waiting room of God is spacious and welcoming, and you get His attention right away. Let us break any barrier between us and God and come to His altar. He will always be there listening with open arms.
Hebrews 4:16 Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Humility -- Coming to the End of Myself
Stepping into the Medicaid office, the atmosphere almost smothered me. I never thought I had to succumb to this level of help. I had seek help countless times before, from babysitting to moving, from learning Algebra to Zoology, I never hesitated to ask for a helping hand, at least not until now.
I heard a story about a “Godly” man who was stranded on the rooftop of his house because of a flood. His neighbors went by in their boat and told the man that there was still room in their boat to fit him in, but he rejected, telling his neighbors that God would send help to him. A while later, a rescue boat with Red Cross workers came by wanting to lend the man a hand. Again, he rejected claiming that God would send him help. Okay. You guess right, the guy was never rescued and he was eventually struck by lightening and died on top of his own roof. He did get his deliverance from God alright—lightening, an “Act of God” through nature.
Though I have strong faith in God, yet it is nothing like the foolishness the man in the story portrays. I know in my current storm, I need help by means that God provides, means like the neighbors and the Red Cross workers in the story of the foolish man. In my case, Medicaid was the mean that God provided (I will explain why and how I got Medicaid for my son in a future article, and why I am assured that God provided it at the right time).
I used to study about poverty issues in my graduate classes, but I never thought that I can come so close to be in this category. It was different when I read about poverty by authors like bell hooks or when I worked at some of the community centers where children affected by poverty spend their after school hours. When you are actually in poverty, the sentiments are no where compared to studying or reading about it. I got to taste a bit of it lately since my whole world has in a way been turned upside down over the last three months (Now I see that it was God working all things for GOOD. Another article).
Like the man on the roof top expecting God’s “divine” intervention, I did not sort out for help at first. Honestly, I have been so reluctant to get help from the government. First of all, to me government help is only for the “poor, and as mentioned above, I could never consider myself “poor.” Secondly, I admit that pride is a big factor in me asking for help. Eventually, it was God who “slapped” my face before I earnestly sorted help to pay for my little boy’s medical bills, and He provided it.
It has not been an easy lesson, but indeed a lesson I very much needed. Only with a helpless state of mind did I truly come to humility and relied solely upon the providence of God. I have read stories of many Godly people who did not come to true humility until they got to the end of themselves.
Joni Erikson Tada, the founder of Joni and Friends ministry who have helped countless families with special need children, came to the end of herself when she became paralyzed from a diving accident. But because of the accident, she seek out for God, and God has been using her disability to reveal His power, mercy and grace to millions others through her ministry. In her memoir, she wrote “I know I wouldn’t know You… I wouldn’t love and trust You.. were it not for … this wheelchair.” She was THANKING God for her disability. Imagine that.
Another great Christian of our time, Chuck Colson, a key figure from the scandal of Watergate during the Nixon’s era, remarked that one of the “paradoxes” in life is “out of defeat and suffering in life comes victory.” A brilliant yet self-righteous man, Colson was sent to jail for his involvement in the scandal. Admitting to his own fallible nature, he surrendered wholeheartedly to God during his imprisonment. Thus, out of his true humility came a ministry that has brought hope to millions of the forgotten and untouchable prisoners around the globe. Like Joni, Chuck Colson was also grateful for his misfortune—his incarceration.
The prime example of true humility, however, was never helpless or in need. His true humility was part of His divine nature. As the Son of God, Jesus condescended himself and became poor, all for our sake, so that we can become rich through his poverty (2 Corinthians 8:9). His utmost humility was brutally displayed through his excruciating death on the cross, but His victory was also shown through his resurrection three days later.
True humility brings out victory, as illustrated by Joni Erikson Tada, Chuck Colson, and preeminently through Jesus Christ. I do not know where God is leading me to through this humbling experience at the Medicaid office, but I am assured that victory will come out of it, though it may not be the victory as defined by the world.
I pray that you do not have to come to the end of yourself to obtain true humility. Come to Jesus today and receive true victory in life through His resurrection!
James 4:10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up.
Original article posted on
http://www.helium.com/tm/576598/humility-coming-myself-stepping
I heard a story about a “Godly” man who was stranded on the rooftop of his house because of a flood. His neighbors went by in their boat and told the man that there was still room in their boat to fit him in, but he rejected, telling his neighbors that God would send help to him. A while later, a rescue boat with Red Cross workers came by wanting to lend the man a hand. Again, he rejected claiming that God would send him help. Okay. You guess right, the guy was never rescued and he was eventually struck by lightening and died on top of his own roof. He did get his deliverance from God alright—lightening, an “Act of God” through nature.
Though I have strong faith in God, yet it is nothing like the foolishness the man in the story portrays. I know in my current storm, I need help by means that God provides, means like the neighbors and the Red Cross workers in the story of the foolish man. In my case, Medicaid was the mean that God provided (I will explain why and how I got Medicaid for my son in a future article, and why I am assured that God provided it at the right time).
I used to study about poverty issues in my graduate classes, but I never thought that I can come so close to be in this category. It was different when I read about poverty by authors like bell hooks or when I worked at some of the community centers where children affected by poverty spend their after school hours. When you are actually in poverty, the sentiments are no where compared to studying or reading about it. I got to taste a bit of it lately since my whole world has in a way been turned upside down over the last three months (Now I see that it was God working all things for GOOD. Another article).
Like the man on the roof top expecting God’s “divine” intervention, I did not sort out for help at first. Honestly, I have been so reluctant to get help from the government. First of all, to me government help is only for the “poor, and as mentioned above, I could never consider myself “poor.” Secondly, I admit that pride is a big factor in me asking for help. Eventually, it was God who “slapped” my face before I earnestly sorted help to pay for my little boy’s medical bills, and He provided it.
It has not been an easy lesson, but indeed a lesson I very much needed. Only with a helpless state of mind did I truly come to humility and relied solely upon the providence of God. I have read stories of many Godly people who did not come to true humility until they got to the end of themselves.
Joni Erikson Tada, the founder of Joni and Friends ministry who have helped countless families with special need children, came to the end of herself when she became paralyzed from a diving accident. But because of the accident, she seek out for God, and God has been using her disability to reveal His power, mercy and grace to millions others through her ministry. In her memoir, she wrote “I know I wouldn’t know You… I wouldn’t love and trust You.. were it not for … this wheelchair.” She was THANKING God for her disability. Imagine that.
Another great Christian of our time, Chuck Colson, a key figure from the scandal of Watergate during the Nixon’s era, remarked that one of the “paradoxes” in life is “out of defeat and suffering in life comes victory.” A brilliant yet self-righteous man, Colson was sent to jail for his involvement in the scandal. Admitting to his own fallible nature, he surrendered wholeheartedly to God during his imprisonment. Thus, out of his true humility came a ministry that has brought hope to millions of the forgotten and untouchable prisoners around the globe. Like Joni, Chuck Colson was also grateful for his misfortune—his incarceration.
The prime example of true humility, however, was never helpless or in need. His true humility was part of His divine nature. As the Son of God, Jesus condescended himself and became poor, all for our sake, so that we can become rich through his poverty (2 Corinthians 8:9). His utmost humility was brutally displayed through his excruciating death on the cross, but His victory was also shown through his resurrection three days later.
True humility brings out victory, as illustrated by Joni Erikson Tada, Chuck Colson, and preeminently through Jesus Christ. I do not know where God is leading me to through this humbling experience at the Medicaid office, but I am assured that victory will come out of it, though it may not be the victory as defined by the world.
I pray that you do not have to come to the end of yourself to obtain true humility. Come to Jesus today and receive true victory in life through His resurrection!
James 4:10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up.
Original article posted on
http://www.helium.com/tm/576598/humility-coming-myself-stepping
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