This summer has not been an easy one, besides living in the hottest part of the country. I know it is time. It is time for me to document my journey with God again, and wait and see what God will do next.
Monday, August 22, 2011
my walk with Christ that jazzes
Wow, I haven't been back to my own blog for over 4 years now!! Can't believe it still exists. I found out that I didn't even do part II of my article about my Dad's journey to Heaven. Oh well, it's never too late to pick up the pen again, in this case, to get my fingers going on the keyboard again.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Seeing My Dad Off Part I
The journey of seeing my Dad living through the last episode of his life was never planned. A day after we celebrated his 57th birthday, he left this world with a passport to Heaven which he was given few days before his departure.
My Dad’s cancer was diagnosed in March of last year. It was shocking at first because he was seemingly active and healthy only two months before that. He went through a long and excruciating open brain surgery to remove his brain tumor in April. His condition seemed to stabilize after the surgery. All he needed was a few special kinds of chemo and radio therapies which were considered very mild therapies by the oncologist. To show my support during such critical time, I decided to make a trip to visit him in May along with Matthias. Having the recollection of the month long visit a few months back still flesh in mind, I thought this would be another chance to create sweet memories with my parents along with their grandson. Little did I realize that my Dad was very much changed by his cancer. My Mom did not fare too well either. She was so overwhelmed by my Dad’s illness that she was often in dismal and in constant fear of losing my Dad.
Spending a month with a family you had not lived with for the past 15 years under such difficult circumstances did not go too well for any of us. The interactions among all of us were nothing but emotionally charged. Situations often arose where my parents accused me of being selfish. My parents especially resented that my son was taking up so much of my time that I was not able to spend more time with my Dad alone. Needless to say, I was miserable during the month that we were there. With all of my good intentions I made this trip but I found myself angry with my parents and frustrated with the cancer that somehow altered my Dad’s good nature. With all that came a sense of failure, a perception of constantly disappointing my parents and not meeting their expectation. In such desperate time with my husband being thousands of miles away and no church home around, I could only resort to prayers.
One day after a fight I had with my parents, I was praying while sobbing. In the midst of my prayer, a verse appeared in my mind. Matthews 11:29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls..” Humility and gentleness, though they were the furthest thing in my mind, they were exactly what I needed amidst my family turmoil. For the rest of the stay, the verse kept floating in my head and halted any potential bickering with my parents. It kept me from causing further detriments in the already-fragile relationship with my parents. Besides sending me this verse, God also sent a sister in Christ who happened to live in the same building as my parents to reprioritize what I should be asking from the Lord for my family. The lady posted the question of what is more important, my Dad’s salvation or his physical healing. Like being struck by lightening bolt, I realized what I have been asking from the Lord may not be best for my family.
After a month, I left Hong Kong with a disparaged heart, bemoaning the kind of testimony I left in my parents’ heart during a time when they would need the Gospel the most. After returning and over the next half a year, I found myself pondering for what exactly I should be praying. Slowly but assuredly I was led to the conclusion that it was not just my Dad’s salvation but the glory of God be revealed above all else from this whole ordeal.
To be continued.
My Dad’s cancer was diagnosed in March of last year. It was shocking at first because he was seemingly active and healthy only two months before that. He went through a long and excruciating open brain surgery to remove his brain tumor in April. His condition seemed to stabilize after the surgery. All he needed was a few special kinds of chemo and radio therapies which were considered very mild therapies by the oncologist. To show my support during such critical time, I decided to make a trip to visit him in May along with Matthias. Having the recollection of the month long visit a few months back still flesh in mind, I thought this would be another chance to create sweet memories with my parents along with their grandson. Little did I realize that my Dad was very much changed by his cancer. My Mom did not fare too well either. She was so overwhelmed by my Dad’s illness that she was often in dismal and in constant fear of losing my Dad.
Spending a month with a family you had not lived with for the past 15 years under such difficult circumstances did not go too well for any of us. The interactions among all of us were nothing but emotionally charged. Situations often arose where my parents accused me of being selfish. My parents especially resented that my son was taking up so much of my time that I was not able to spend more time with my Dad alone. Needless to say, I was miserable during the month that we were there. With all of my good intentions I made this trip but I found myself angry with my parents and frustrated with the cancer that somehow altered my Dad’s good nature. With all that came a sense of failure, a perception of constantly disappointing my parents and not meeting their expectation. In such desperate time with my husband being thousands of miles away and no church home around, I could only resort to prayers.
One day after a fight I had with my parents, I was praying while sobbing. In the midst of my prayer, a verse appeared in my mind. Matthews 11:29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls..” Humility and gentleness, though they were the furthest thing in my mind, they were exactly what I needed amidst my family turmoil. For the rest of the stay, the verse kept floating in my head and halted any potential bickering with my parents. It kept me from causing further detriments in the already-fragile relationship with my parents. Besides sending me this verse, God also sent a sister in Christ who happened to live in the same building as my parents to reprioritize what I should be asking from the Lord for my family. The lady posted the question of what is more important, my Dad’s salvation or his physical healing. Like being struck by lightening bolt, I realized what I have been asking from the Lord may not be best for my family.
After a month, I left Hong Kong with a disparaged heart, bemoaning the kind of testimony I left in my parents’ heart during a time when they would need the Gospel the most. After returning and over the next half a year, I found myself pondering for what exactly I should be praying. Slowly but assuredly I was led to the conclusion that it was not just my Dad’s salvation but the glory of God be revealed above all else from this whole ordeal.
To be continued.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Waiting Room
Waiting for my turn to get a Medicaid card for my son, I sat along with perhaps a hundred people in a stuffy waiting room. There was AC in the room but I felt like the heavy breathing of people waiting exhausted the AC. There were all kinds of people there, Black, White, Hispanic, Asians, little children, elderly folks, you name it.
I waited for more than an hour before I was called to the window to get the needed documents. I was among the fortunate few who could leave within two hours. Most of the people there had been waiting for half a day already. During the 100 plus minutes of waiting, I came to observe how people treat “the masses” especially the masses of lesser advantage.
The waiting room at the Medicaid office was big enough for about two hundred people, but it had no speaker system. Staff would call out clients’ number indicated by a small monitor inside the staff station of the office where only people right in front of the station could see. If a client sat at the very far corners of the room, there was no way that they could hear the staff calling their numbers or see it on the monitor. I noticed that a few people almost missed their turn because they had no knowledge of their number being called. At one point, one of the clients was so frustrated that she would stand close to the staff station and repeat loudly the numbers called by the staff. It was certainly quite an awkward scene for the staff. The staff members there were all well-dressed, compared to their clients in their waiting room. Nonetheless, their expressions were mostly solemn, with the exception of one or two carrying a smile when greeting clients. Seeing those faces, I wondered what the staff saw in their clients. Do they see them as people with flesh and bone, just like them, but needing some help medically and financially, or do they see the clients as merely objects that come to the office for whom they process papers? I found out the answer for myself when it was my turn at the staff station, at least from the one staff member with whom I made exchanges.
With no smile on her face, she simply told me that my application number was not in the system. After verifying with another number I gave her, she told me to sit down and wait some more. Having waited for another what seems like a life time, I was called by the same lady again, and this time she gave me my needed documents. It seemed to me that she really had to rush to the next client since she was hardly delighted to answer the one question I asked.
Don’t mistake me here for ranting out against the Medicaid office or building up a case of distaste for the bureaucracy of the American government. My experience at the Medicaid office, if not pleasant, was in fact very humbling. On one hand, I accepted the help I very much needed and I was glad and thankful to get it. On the other hand, it makes me appreciate more the mercy and grace God has bestowed upon me. Unlike the staff in the Medicaid office (in my particular experience), God doesn’t see those who are needy as the “masses.” Psalm 139 tells us that God knows everyone of us by our name when we were in our mother’s womb. He sees us as individual, each and everyone as his precious child.
Like the people waiting at the Medicaid office, we in one way or the other, are in need. Imagine yourself at the Medicaid office, unlike what I described in the above, the staff actually recognizes you right away and greets you with love and warmth, and offers all they could do to help you. You would not have to wait in line, and you get their full attention right away! That is how merciful God is towards us when we come to Him with a request. In fact, Jesus had been in our shoes before as He himself has experienced firsthand some of the difficulties we face in this earthly life.
Hebrews 4:15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin.
God knows our needs and our weaknesses. It is up to us to lay them on the altar and let Him take care of you. Unlike the Medicaid’s office waiting room, the waiting room of God is spacious and welcoming, and you get His attention right away. Let us break any barrier between us and God and come to His altar. He will always be there listening with open arms.
Hebrews 4:16 Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
I waited for more than an hour before I was called to the window to get the needed documents. I was among the fortunate few who could leave within two hours. Most of the people there had been waiting for half a day already. During the 100 plus minutes of waiting, I came to observe how people treat “the masses” especially the masses of lesser advantage.
The waiting room at the Medicaid office was big enough for about two hundred people, but it had no speaker system. Staff would call out clients’ number indicated by a small monitor inside the staff station of the office where only people right in front of the station could see. If a client sat at the very far corners of the room, there was no way that they could hear the staff calling their numbers or see it on the monitor. I noticed that a few people almost missed their turn because they had no knowledge of their number being called. At one point, one of the clients was so frustrated that she would stand close to the staff station and repeat loudly the numbers called by the staff. It was certainly quite an awkward scene for the staff. The staff members there were all well-dressed, compared to their clients in their waiting room. Nonetheless, their expressions were mostly solemn, with the exception of one or two carrying a smile when greeting clients. Seeing those faces, I wondered what the staff saw in their clients. Do they see them as people with flesh and bone, just like them, but needing some help medically and financially, or do they see the clients as merely objects that come to the office for whom they process papers? I found out the answer for myself when it was my turn at the staff station, at least from the one staff member with whom I made exchanges.
With no smile on her face, she simply told me that my application number was not in the system. After verifying with another number I gave her, she told me to sit down and wait some more. Having waited for another what seems like a life time, I was called by the same lady again, and this time she gave me my needed documents. It seemed to me that she really had to rush to the next client since she was hardly delighted to answer the one question I asked.
Don’t mistake me here for ranting out against the Medicaid office or building up a case of distaste for the bureaucracy of the American government. My experience at the Medicaid office, if not pleasant, was in fact very humbling. On one hand, I accepted the help I very much needed and I was glad and thankful to get it. On the other hand, it makes me appreciate more the mercy and grace God has bestowed upon me. Unlike the staff in the Medicaid office (in my particular experience), God doesn’t see those who are needy as the “masses.” Psalm 139 tells us that God knows everyone of us by our name when we were in our mother’s womb. He sees us as individual, each and everyone as his precious child.
Like the people waiting at the Medicaid office, we in one way or the other, are in need. Imagine yourself at the Medicaid office, unlike what I described in the above, the staff actually recognizes you right away and greets you with love and warmth, and offers all they could do to help you. You would not have to wait in line, and you get their full attention right away! That is how merciful God is towards us when we come to Him with a request. In fact, Jesus had been in our shoes before as He himself has experienced firsthand some of the difficulties we face in this earthly life.
Hebrews 4:15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin.
God knows our needs and our weaknesses. It is up to us to lay them on the altar and let Him take care of you. Unlike the Medicaid’s office waiting room, the waiting room of God is spacious and welcoming, and you get His attention right away. Let us break any barrier between us and God and come to His altar. He will always be there listening with open arms.
Hebrews 4:16 Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
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