Ten years ago, our bank account almost had nothing. And ten years ago, neither of us had a job, and my son was suffering from the worst of his kidney ailment.
Ten years later, we have a house and a healthy son. Ten years later, we had a form of the "American dream."
Gratefulness is an understatement, meekness is what I acquired, brokenness is what I am.
It all started with me praying like Mary, the mother of Jesus, did when she found out she was pregnant with the Son of God.
Luke 1:38
I am the Lord's servant, do unto me according to Your word.
Then comes the code, "TIBYYE."
My husband dismissed it as superstitious, but I believe it's a sign from God to let me know He allows this to happen, and He is in control.
TIBYYE is the code I got when I purchased our airline tickets for our summer vacation back at the beginning of April. At first, I was oblivious, but the code started haunting me after the whole ordeal with my supposedly job conversion began.
It's been almost five years since I joined Texas Instruments (TI) as a contractor. Being a contractor is like being a second class citizen. With almost the same work but with less than perfect compensation. It is, in short, a dead end job, but nonetheless it was a good job with lots of benefits and flexibility.
Regardless, I am thankful for how the Lord has provided for me through this. When I first started, this was a job that fitted me almost immediately. It was task oriented, and results were very visible. Later on, it shifted more towards relationship building, which l loved even more! Yes, my boss was narcissistic, nonsupportive and full of vanity. In spite of it, I was able to do well with the limited means I was given.
Two years later, my new boss came. She was one that I could not have asked for more. She wanted to fight for me to be converted to be a full-time TIer from the get-go. However, the needle was hardly moved because of the team leadership at that time. I also had head hunters contacting me for interviews at big names like Samsung and HP. Nonetheless, I was not able to secure any offer.
As the whole ordeal was unraveling, I was reminded of the story of Daniel and the lion's den in my devotion. I was also given a split second shot in my dream the image of a boy riding on his daddy's shoulder while daddy is treading through deep water.
On and off, my boss has been expressing the hurdles that she was going through to get me to the position as many TIers were actually after my supposedly converted position. All this time I saw how much struggle she was having, and how much she was hoping that it could go away.
Finally, this last week, she informed me that the position that was meant for me to be converted was desired by a senior communication manager, and because of her status, she would get it. As a result, my position as a contractor will end as they don't need two people doing similar things.
Well, so what the code was telling me became reality.
My reaction at first wasn't primarily about the money, though it does matter a great deal, it was more about the health insurance coverage my son would need, with the multiple medications that he is currently on.
Since learning the news, besides doing a lot of praying, I was doing a lot of twisting and turning during my sleep. From anger, fear, to despair, to hopefulness, it's been a whirlwind of emotions.
I did muster up enough strength and courage to go back to work on Thursday. That's when I was told that because of the transition time that is needed for the communication manager to step in, they would keep my position for another two months.
It was God's grace and mercy again. I prayed that it would allow enough time for me to find a new job and get new insurance by the time this position ends.
Saturday, May 27
The Lord's revelation comes in timely. Like Jesus wanted Peter to look at Him instead of the waves around him during the episode of walking on water, the Lord doesn't want me to focus on the problem itself. He has a different mission for me other than just looking for a new job and getting insurance coverage
Today the verse featured by Bible Gateway was Acts 20:24.
However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus Christ has given me -- the task of testifying to the good news of God's grace.
I went to the gym this morning, and as I saw people running on the track and working out with the gym equipment, the verse was ringing in my head, and it was reinforced by one of the verses printed on the wall of the gym, Colossians 3:20, "Set my mind on things above, and not on earthly things."
Did you hear that, Jasmine!?
I NEED TO FINISH THE RACE, to complete the task that He has given me --- To TESTIFY for the GRACE of JESUS CHRIST!
Notice that the verse did not say to WIN the race, but it's is to FINISH the race.
I need to finish my RACE with GRACE at TI, and to show others that despite the fire in the furnace I am currently experiencing (like Daniel), the Lord's GRACE is working in and through me. I am to testify for Him during the days I have left. He will show Himself in the furnace next to me (like He did with Daniel).
AND He will take care of me, and my family. That's His PROMISE!
Matt 6:33
Seek Ye first the kingdom of God, and His Righteousness, and ALL these things will be given unto you.
He has spoken INDEED.
It will not be easy, but keep up the good fight and finish the race!! Go Jasmine!
Sunday, May 28
During the sermon, the quote was brought to my attention again -- Do not doubt in the darkness what God has revealed in the light. Bam! That wasn't the first time in the week I heard this saying.
God, you are speaking to me indeed!
Wednesday, May 31
No, the Lord hasn't brought me any interviews yet though I applied for a few positions already. My mind is going through a roller coaster. In the midst of the night, I twist and turn; during day time, I am able to summon enough strength to put on a smile. Thank you God.
I came across a devotional quoting Phil 4:8-9
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
The author reminded me to fix my eyes onWhatever is true: That His promises never fail, and how He has provided for the family during the summer ten years ago, and since. He never gives up on me. He is faithful!
Whatever is noble: That I need to finish the race and complete the task of testifying the good news of Christ during my remaining time at TI. That His glory precedes my other desires in this current trial.
Whatever is right: That He has called me to be holy and righteous, and to love my husband, and not to have bitter envy or selfish ambition.
Whatever is pure: That I stay on course to take up the cross that He has set before me -- adoption. That my motive to ask for His continuous provision is pure because my mind is set on adoption.
Whatever is lovely: That we have joy in this family, that our family is intact despite the challenges or the adversities we have faced or are facing.
Whatever is admirable: The couple from Hawaii we met last Sunday, that they are able to spend their retirement serving the Lord, and are on fire for Him. That Kent and Diane had such overwhelming love from their children, in spite of the hardships they've been through.
Anything is excellent: That English Ministry is taking shape and that it is exciting to see what God will unfold to us and what He will do through us.
Anything is praiseworthy: That He provided two months of notice before my job ends, that He gave me a sign that He knew about my impending departure from TI.
Talking about counting my blessings and giving thanks in EVERYTHING! Thank you, God!
Tuesday, June 13
After nine days of vacationing at the West Coast, today was my first day back at work. We decided to take the vacation because first of all we paid for the package of airline and car rental already, and second of all, Milton did not have to work and was able to push all the interviews to this week. Though we were facing an impending job loss, we took the vacation, really, by faith. So far, we are glad we did.
Nature can do wonders to people. I was in awe basking in the glory and amazement of His creation, marveled at the various Olympics beaches with breathtaking views, mesmerized at the mysterious Hoh rainforest, and awestruck by the gigantic Sequoia trees. All in all, no man-made art or structures could even come close to being the rival of His creation!
Today, first day back at work. Facing my boss for the past three years, I suddenly realized that I was merely a tool for her. Despite reminding myself of what my final chapter should be at this job (mentioned previously on May 27), I found myself being disgusted at her and was mildly consumed by a surge of anger within me . Though by no means she carries any responsibility to help me beyond the two months "notice" I was mercifully given, I couldn't help but became infuriated by her appearance of indifference towards my demise. (Yes I do realize I am not her priority, and she really does not have any bandwidth to help me amidst her multiple projects). I did invest in this relationship beyond what an employee should have with her employer, and I believe this is causing me to not just lament the loss of the "relationship" I thought I had with her, I also feel sorry for myself for being so naive and stupid.
I am not doing so well today. You probably were able to tell already.
The song "Even if you don't" was playing on the radio. "Even if YOU don't, my hope is YOU alone."
Thank you God for sending me this song, like how you sent me "Praise You in the storm" ten years ago. They both speak the unbending truth of your never-ending and UNFAILING faithfulness, and this is one truth I would never forget, even though the horrifying tidal waves of circumstances seem to be drowning me.
Be merciful to me O Lord, for I am lonely and affiliated. Psalms 25.
Thursday, June 15
Preparing for my last big event for TI, I went to a few places to shop and picked up needed items. I usually wouldn't listen to the radio at around 10:00 am where Chuck Swindoll was preaching. Well, guess what he was preaching on? None other than the story of Joseph. Though I was zoned out for some of the first part of the message, I heard it loud and clear when Swindoll talked about how God did not stop Potiphar's wife from accusing him or giving Potiphor a dream to clear Joseph's name (like how God gave Pharaoh a dream later). Instead, God in his permissive will allowed evil to happen, as He has a bigger picture in mind than the mere moment of the evilness. I found streams of tears rolling down my eyes as soon as I heard what he said. Not only did I hear Swindoll once in the morning, I heard this exact same sermon again on my way home at an unusual time in the evening where I wouldn't normally listen to the radio.
Monday, June 26
It's been tough. My emotions are going haywire as the end of my employment is drawing near (less than a month). I think the process of grieving is setting in, shock, ambivalence, anger and negotiating. I go between anger and negotiating, to ambivalence, like a pendulum. As I thought about the past, I get angry at both my husband and myself for making some "fatal" decisions contributing to our lack of career development and financial progress.
So I finally spilled it all last night, sharing with my husband the grievances since marrying him, and how I loathed all these years that he did not have a stable employment. Needless to say, it hurts him deeply.
He hasn't yet secured a full-time employment thus far, and we only have one month left before losing my insurance, which is critical for my son.
It was pointed out to me by Eira several weeks ago during our time of sharing that maybe the Lord is trying to answer my long lasting request for my husband to be a provider. Maybe. Maybe not. I am not sure what to make of it at this point.
Right now, all I can count on is a faith in the ONE who has always provided, without failing us. Remember He is good, ready to forgive, full of unfailing love to those who ask for help from Him.
Lord, I need your help. I don't want to sink into an abyss that could trap me from fulfilling your purpose in my life.
A Psalm that resonates with me -- Psalm 88 -- Agony from God's Silence -
A song. A psalm of the Sons of Korah. For the director of music. According to mahalath leannoth.[b] A maskil[c] of Heman the Ezrahite.
1 Lord, you are the God who saves me;
day and night I cry out to you.
2 May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.
day and night I cry out to you.
2 May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.
3 I am overwhelmed with troubles
and my life draws near to death.
4 I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like one without strength.
5 I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.
and my life draws near to death.
4 I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like one without strength.
5 I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.
6 You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.
7 Your wrath lies heavily on me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.[d]
8 You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
9 my eyes are dim with grief.
in the darkest depths.
7 Your wrath lies heavily on me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.[d]
8 You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
9 my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, Lord, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.
10 Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
11 Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction[e]?
12 Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?
I spread out my hands to you.
10 Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
11 Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction[e]?
12 Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?
13 But I cry to you for help, Lord;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14 Why, Lord, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14 Why, Lord, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?
15 From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
16 Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
17 All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.
18 You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
darkness is my closest friend.
I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
16 Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
17 All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.
18 You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
darkness is my closest friend.
2007 to 2012 blessing
What is up with God? Talking to me this morning through my own thoughts and confirming his message through the radio in the evening!
As I was riding my bike yesterday, all of a sudden I had the inkling to recount God's blessings ten years ago. The message was again reiterated by a radio program as it urges me to retrace my steps and find out when I fell into despair and how God took me out.
In other words, the speaker charges us to "love Him with my memories!" Our past memory is linked to our future aspirations. Remember what Jesus has done for me!
2006 Summer -- I lost my extension job because of losing my work status, yet Milton still had his Danaher job at that time.
2007 Summer -- Milton lost his job, I was unable to work, and we also applied for my green card a few months earlier. After the job loss (and loss of insurance), Matthias got chicken pox and had to be sent to the hospital (with no insurance)! Not only that, within the same week of Milton losing his "new job," we found out that our bank account got frozen because IRS thought we owed them back taxes.
How God delivered -- As soon as our money in the bank shrunk to zero, we were qualified to apply for free children's insurance for Matthias, and they were able to pay for the bill from Matthias's stay at the hospital retrospectively. After that ordeal, we found out that they were approving my green card application, which we expected to come much much later! The third thing which was extremely odd that came through was Milton started earning money on Google AdSense by writing a blog.
As a result of insurance coming through as well as green card approval, we were able to travel to Hong Kong!
God provided indeed!
It took SIX days before God tore down the walls of Jericho
I don't understand God. Period.
After more than a year of going through foster care training, we were ready to adopt. I thought the job promotion would come in timely as our family was going to grow.
BAM - my job is gone.
If we were walking around the wall of Jericho thinking that it would tumble, we are witnessing that more bricks are being added to thicken the wall instead.
Is God listening to our prayers?
Is it God's will for us to adopt?
Six days of walking around the Jericho. Not a crack in the wall, not a stone dropped. In spite of the silence, the Israelis kept on walking.
Day one: Silence.................................
Day two: Silence................................
Day three: Silence...............................
Day four: Silence................................
Day five: Silence.............................
Day six: Silence................................
Day seven: THE WALL CAME TUMBLING DOWN
I am not sure which day I am in, day one or day six. The lesson from the Israelis is - TRUST and OBEY. Keep walking. Keep chucking along. UNTIL God shows up on day seven.
Exodus 13 - When fears set in.
Are you afraid of the giants that you forsake the land of milk and honey? Are you going to be the 10 spies who were shaken by the site of giants, or Joshua and Caleb who had the big picture of God's protection in mind despite seeing the giants?
Sometimes I succumbed to the mentality of the former.
July 20, 2017
Twice I had dreams about our family being overwhelmed by flooding, but He gave me Psalm 93 ~ He is mightier than the thunder of the great waters, than the breakers of the sea!!!!
"He is your Daddy," speaker Priscilla Shiner reminded her audience. Never did I realize PS is such a powerful speaker until last night when I heard her proclamation about who our Daddy is. I decided to find her speeches on YouTube, and BAM! She is speaking to me! Using the scenario of the Israelis crossing the Red Sea, she exhorted us to:
1. Do not fear -- God did not give a spirit of FEAR (FEAR is from the enemy)
2. Be still -- standing still on His promises, not resting or sitting down.
3. Be watchful -- for the small things God has already done recently.
4. Be quiet -- from a grumbling spirit, whining tongue. Stop giving the enemy ammunition to attack your mind.
July 29
I mentioned that I have dreamt about being overwhelmed with flood, but He has brought me Psalm 18:16-19 as well as 2 Samuels 22
16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
17 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
18 They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the Lord was my support.
19 He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.
Indeed, I know that He is pulling me out of deep waters. I don't know where I will end up working. It could be a job that could be the next step up, or it could be a job that is just a job, and I might not even like the nature of it.
The last week has been filled with interviews. It just seemed that God has open the floodgate of opportunities for me. One of those was, out of my total surprise, the HPE Microfocus position. I thought I didn't stand any chances since I didn't hear from them after the phone interview with the hiring manager almost 1.5 weeks earlier. Not only was I given another chance, I was sent an angel (the initial recruiter) to send me the message that I needed to work on my resume. She was so encouraging and kind to let me know that this job could be my STEP UP!
This experience already reminds me of how I got hired by the Volunteer Center through Julie Thomas. Though I wasn't qualified for the job that I applied for at that time, she saw my profile matching a more humble position, and put me on it.
It's still a long shot with that position, but I am thankful the Lord is dropping me hints that He is with me (watching for the small things He is doing in my life, from Priscilla Shiner), and pulling me out of the deep.
August 6, 2017
Got two rejections last Friday from two places where I had a face to face, and a phone one with the hiring manager. One I thought I could at least be strongly considered but it did not pan out as I expected.
I wanted to scream, "Where are you, God?"
I feel like one of those 10 spies with Joshua and Caleb, only seeing the giants in the land of honey and milk, fear-filled.
God sometimes has a funny way to remind me of His goodness.
On Friday night fellowship testimony night, Tom, one of the guys shared about the small miracles that he experienced where he felt like God gave him some MLB tickets that he really wanted, and that triggered my memory of the Olive Garden gift card we received at a free bowling event ten years ago.
We were hitting rock bottom suddenly in our finances in the summer of 2007, and that morning of the bowling event, I was literally sharing with Milton that I wished we could go have a meal at Olive Garden, one of my favorite restaurants at that time. That afternoon, God dropped us a gift card from, none other than, Olive Garden. I was looking up the date of the bowling event in 2007. I cannot verify yet but I believe it was 8/4/2007 when that happened, and on the exact day ten years later, I was reminded of that small miracle and how God answered my prayer with an Olive Garden gift card.
Yes, my faith is as small as a mustard seed right now, yet he is reminding me of the miracles of the past and his deeds from of old.
August 18
I begin to doubt my significance, my competency, now that I still have not firmed up an offer. It's easy to fall. I think back to the dream I had two months ago, riding on the shoulder of someone who is treading the water up to His waistline. Lord, I am hanging on you tightly as I am not seeing where I am going, but I know you know where we are going. I want to TRUST you still. "Even if you don't, my hope in you alone," so goes the most popular song on 90.9.
Habakuk 3:17-19
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
19 The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to tread on the heights.
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to tread on the heights.
August 24
God did not take me to this valley to destroy my sense of self-worth, a trap that I am very prone to fall into. It could have been set up by Satan. It could just be my own flaw. Regardless, God is taking me through this to produce something in me that I would never have if not for this valley.
Psalm 91:1. He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I find rest in your promises, Lord.
September 20
It's been almost a month since I last recorded my journey. Out of the four prospects I had, only one remained. I interviewed for an administrative position for a CSR team, a volunteer manager role at a national nonprofit, a fund raising position at a major nonprofit, and last but not least a position in the ministry of Joni and Friends. That's THE Joni, Joni Erikson Tada, my heroine. I thought I aced just about every other interview, but no, none of them made me an offer, not even the administrative position. None except Joni and Friends, who offered me interview after interview, and then a rather comprehensive background and reference check. In less than one week, I will be heading to Laguna Hills where their headquarters is, to meet with their development team. Never in a million years would I have thought that God would put me in a ministry amidst a sudden job loss.
That moment of commitment came back as a flashback. About 20 years ago at a revival conference presented by Dr Tie King Tai at my old church in Denton, I raised my hand to signal that I would like to go into full time ministry. It was a moment of mixed emotions, perplexed, overwhelming, uncertain yet burdensome. Nonetheless, I couldn't help but raise my hand, yet I had no idea how, when, or in what capacity I would be going into full-time ministry.
Fast forward to this summer, a job that I just happened to apply, happened to be in a ministry, and not just any ministry, a ministry headed by my heroine. I still have no guarantee that I will get this job, but it is as if God is moving me into ministry through this valley. We shall see!
October 23, 2017
After being flew to Aguora Hills, CA for the interview at Joni and Friends, I got the job! I was flew back to the HQ for an entire week of training, meeting with colleagues with various roles. At the end of the week, I was overwhelmed and a bit lost at the same time, as I wasn't exactly sure what my role was going to entail.
The first day at the Plano Joni and Friends was last Monday. God has a unique way of continuing the story of lost and brokenness from the beginning of this summer.
As I mentioned that God directed me to the story of Joseph through Chuck Swindoll at the beginning of the summer, He ended the wait also with the story of Joseph. On the first day of my job here in Texas, God directed me to the 50th chapter of Genesis where one of the most famous verses was spoken by Joseph to the brothers who betrayed him and wanted him to die. Genesis 50:20 You have meant to harm me, but God intended it for good, the saving of many lives.
